Well Mother’s Day is right around the corner. If this is news to you, don’t worry. CVS is open 24 hours a day and a text message is better than nothing. I mean… it’s not great but at least you can’t be accused of forgetting to appreciate the woman who birthed your children or cleaned your toilet for 18+ years (depending on when you finally moved the eff out).
But for those of you looking to step up your Mother’s Day game, I’ve got a few suggestions. Because most of us moms don’t need anything fancy, and we don’t need you to spend a million dollars. None of my suggested gift ideas include fuzzy slippers or chocolate covered wine bottles, and all of them can be acquired last minute. You.Are.Welcome.
Tackle Mount Tide
For Mother’s Day wouldn’t it be delightful if someone did the laundry? And I don’t mean just swapping the loads so I can fold it later. I mean alllllll the laundry. The sheets and towels too. Strip the beds. Grab the bathmats. Put it away. Fold it. Even the fitted sheets.
But don’t hire me a cleaning service, because then I’d just have to clean up first. The cleaning person can’t know how we really live. Only family can know the truth.
Play the Instagram Husband/Photog for a Day
What a gift it would be to have some “candid” photos of me and the kids I birthed. And by “candid” I mean photos taken from my good side, in proper lighting. Take lots of shots. I need options.
But seriously. I’m always taking cute shots of my kids, and my husband with the kids. But where am I?!?!
According to social media, my children are basically Disney Princess – beautiful but tragically motherless.
A meal full of compliments
For one day I’d like to sit down at the table to a hot, healthy dinner I’ve lovingly prepared. Imagine my delight when my family exclaims over the perfectly roasted carrots and creative flavor pairings before them.
Honestly. The bar is so low, I’d be delighted to sit down for any meal that was devoid of that particular look on my children’s faces. You know, the look. As if you’d put dog food in a casserole dish, topped it with sriracha, and baked it at 350°F for 30 minutes.
Make my kids safe at school
You thought this was all laundry and Insta? #sorrynotsorry
Here’s something high on my wish list this year: To never wonder if my kids know how to avoid being shot at school.
Wouldn’t it be fantastic to not watch the news and ponder the safety of sending my kids off to get an education? Sure, a wake-up call doesn’t fit in a gift bag but I’m good on the pastel “mom’s the best card”.
Make a donation to a cause that matters instead.
One last thing… I want some fucking sleep.
Like. A full eight hours. For nights upon nights upon nights. But I’ll settle for one night. Even that might be a big ask.
I dream of drifting off to sleep at night and not wondering when some small child will wake me up by standing creepily by my bedside. Softly and silently breathing on my neck until I startle awake, dazed and confused.
To be clear – my husband frequently tries to take the night shift. But my kids believe I’m only one who can refill a water glass and chase away predators at 4 am. What a gift it would be to sleep a deep, sound eight hours. And be able to get that sleep without leaving the premises or putting off the laundry till tomorrow.
In case of failure
If you can’t muster up the energy or the courage to tackle these wish list items, I will also begrudingly accept 15 minutes alone to drink a cup of coffee.
But please. Spare me the “as seen on tv” CVS special. Booze works instead.
Yes!!! This all of this. So simple yet effort required