I made a lot of big promises to myself this year. Black Friday would be spent embracing #OptOutside and ordering only the barest minimum of items that were already on the list. I would love to tell you that we nailed it.
We did not.
Last year our #OptOutside moment was epic and wonderful. I really was killing it as a mother and human being. But the universe didn’t want me to be so full of myself, so this year I was handed a monster of a cold that continues to linger (WTF BTW) and a near total loss of my voice.
Last Year. 
This Year.
Have you ever tried to parent two young kids with no vocal cords? It’s truly an exercise in frustration. The girls seem to think that anything asked in a normal voice is basically a loose suggestion, and only when the volume increases do they really believe I’m serious about something.
But I was convinced that I would rise above. I loaded myself up with decongestant, ibuprofen and unicorn dreams, and got the kids dressed for a day outdoors. Bag packed. Snacks ready. Mall traffic will not stop me!Never mind the teen level angst and attitude simmering in my backseat. Apparently I am a terrible mother because I can’t physically respond to every question, comment, concern and observation – lack of vocal chords wins again.
I was pleasantly surprised to see that our local metro park was BUSY. Sunshine makes it easier to act on good intentions. Seems we weren’t the only ones trying to embrace the outdoors and skip the mall. And my kids were… grumpy. After a near silent mom smack down that involved lots of hand gestures, grunting and whisper yelling I was sure my girls would turn those sour ‘tudes right around and we could all enjoy our #optoutside Instagram worthy day.
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
We lasted 5 minutes at the park. 5 FREAKING MINUTES. After spending an hour getting dressed and driving there.
We made our way to the natural play area, which was full of happy families enjoying the outdoors. Including a father playing a chase/tickle game with his young daughter. Olivia really wanted in on this game and decided to loudly ask several times for this other dad to tickle her. Meanwhile I’m nicely trying to distract her because said dad looked horribly uncomfortable.
I was trying to get her to come close enough to me that I could quietly and discretely explain that we don’t ask random strangers to tickle us (he seemed like a nice non-creepy person buttttt), and she wouldn’t even look at me.
This escalated quickly to me frantically croaking “girls please come here” “get over here” “GIRLS”. All the while my voice sounds like I’m two seconds from imminent death. And you know what they did? Looked me straight in the eye, started to move towards me, and then turned around and just ignored me. THREE FREAKING TIMES IN A ROW.
Send wine.
So I hauled them back towards the parking lot. Because nope.I dragged both girls, who were now screaming bloody murder, across a giant field in front of many families, hikers, and amused passing citizens. I received many nods of solidarity and a good amount of amused laughter, but it was still horribly mortifying.
And then I came home and ordered shit online.
Better luck next year I guess.
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